When we last caught up with Lee and Taylor, they were both exhausted, both trying to do right by Kai (fifteen) and Rocky (seven), and both finding it hard to talk to each other without things going wrong. In their mediation sessions with Helen, one option kept coming back up: Child Inclusive Mediation, or CIM provides the chance for a child’s own voice to have a gentle place in the process.
Deciding when CIM is the right idea
Helen is careful to explain that CIM isn’t automatic, and it isn’t for every child. Lee and Taylor talk it through together and quickly agree that Rocky, at seven and needing a lot of routine and clear, simple explanations, would find it hard to sit with the ideas CIM involves and it wouldn’t be fair to ask that of him. Kai, though, is a different story: old enough to have real opinions, and, as both parents have quietly noticed, carrying more than they’d realised.
So they agree that Kai will meet a colleague of Helen’s, a specialist child consultant named Amina, at the same office where Lee and Taylor have their own sessions.
Meeting Amina
Amina’s whole approach is built around making the meeting feel safe rather than serious. She explains everything to Kai simply and honestly: this isn’t about choosing a parent, it isn’t a report back word-for-word to Mum and Dad, and Kai is in control of what, if anything, gets shared afterwards. Kai gets to talk about whatever matters to her, not just what the grown-ups assume matters.
That reassurance matters more than it might seem. Teenagers are often acutely aware of tension at home, even when parents think they’ve hidden it well, and being asked “what do you think?” properly, with no pressure can be the first time a child in this situation feels like a person in their own right, rather than a subject of someone else’s dispute.
What Kai actually needed
A little while later, Amina joins Helen, Lee, and Taylor for a session to share what Kai is comfortable having passed on. It turns out Kai has quite a lot going on of her own. Some personal things she’s working through that aren’t really about the separation at all, and what she wants, more than anything, is a bit of space. She doesn’t want to feel caught in the middle of her parents’ issues.
Practically, that means Kai’s happy to keep living with Taylor, so long as the divorce isn’t a constant topic of conversation at home. And she’d like to see Lee too just not in a way that feels like a big, loaded “access visit.” She’s suggested meeting him for lunch at the hospital restaurant where he works, once a month, on her own.
For Lee and Taylor, hearing this isn’t always easy. Most parents want more time, not less, and it can sting to hear that what a child needs most is simply room to breathe. But it’s also a real gift: a clear, honest steer, from Kai herself, on exactly what would help.
A note about Rocky, too
Amina mentions something else Kai brought up in passing. She’d talked about Rocky’s meltdowns, and how hard they can be to watch. It’s a useful reminder that Rocky doesn’t always need a big day out to feel connected to his dad. Sometimes the kindest thing Lee can do is simply go with the flow: turning up to “hang out” at the house, on Rocky’s terms, rather than planning an outing that might overwhelm him. Being adaptable, rather than ambitious, may be exactly what Rocky needs right now.
Why this matters
Child Inclusive Mediation doesn’t hand children the decision, and it isn’t a shortcut to an agreement. What it does is help parents see their children as people with their own inner lives, their own worries, and their own good ideas. Rather than as pieces of a dispute to be settled. For Lee and Taylor, hearing Kai’s actual wishes, in her own words, helps them let go of some of their own assumptions and focus on what will really help both their children feel safe and loved.
Ready to find out more?
We are confident that mediation, done well, can help whole families, not just parents, find calmer ground. Small things really can make a big difference.
When you are ready to talk to someone about family mediation use our contact form to email enquiries@antworksfamilymediation.co.uk or call 01706 813 280 for an informal, no-pressure conversation about what mediation could do for your family.
Antworks Family Mediation — serving Todmorden, the Calder Valley, East Lancashire, West Yorkshire, and online.